Dear Families,
Alas, its Saturday and in addition to sea legs and dizziness, I am overwhelmed by your absence! It was such a great week with you all, the Family Z had a wonderful time!
Instead of writing about our week together, I wanted to share with you all something Frank and I discovered at Horseshoe Bay. Tucked away at the back of a cove, behind a dense mangrove forest deep in the shadows – don’t ask what we were doing back there – we came upon two ancient tablets buried in the sand.
An unbelievable find! Its right up there with the Dead Sea Scrolls, the Book of the Dead, and the Kama Sutra. As you will see, this one is just as profound and prophetic. I was startled to see that my lineage goes well back into antiquity and that one of my ancestors was so worldly, scholarly, prophetic, and so damn handsome (yes, you can tell by the handwriting that the author was a magnificent human being), but as you think about .. it does make sense.
Anyway, I have taken the liberty of translating and transcribing it for your reading pleasure.
Enjoy!
The Lost Book of Zeth
The Forbidden TestamentIn the beginning, there was darkness. And we were pleased.
Then a prophet came to our four families, and asked us to band together, shun work for a little while and coaxed us out of the darkness and to the sea! And it came to pass. And we were pleased.
Then came thither an early morning journey through the macadam covered vastness leading to the fair city of Boston. And we were pleased.
And then a great Ark arose before us, beckoning us aboard. And we were pleased.
And then there followed seven days of rest.. and joy.. and temptation… and laughter…and rollicking good times… and adventure… all of which have been hewn into these tablets of stone to be transcribed for the benefit of future generations… lest they forget!
Verse 1:22: Embark upon thy journey with glorious expectations of a rapturous time on the high seas!
Verse 4:12: Secure thee lodgings in thy tinest of the Ark rooms, and pray beforehand that man and woman may be lucky with fortune to lay together.
Proverbs 4:27: Thou shalt not water down thy booze!
Lamentations 5:19: Be ever sober, be eternally vigilant, lest thy daughters boil like lobsters in thy holy hot tubs
Revelations 6:66: Stayeth away from Mr. Sexy Legs, henceforth known as the Beast, who tempts thine own daughter with the spoiled fruit of his loins
Book of Jason 2:13: Do not barter thy expensive wife to thee blessed bus driver
Book of Frank 5:12: Bathe thee in they bluest waters of Horseshoe Bay, but do not share with the little ones the fact that thy beautiful Parrot fish have large teeth
Book of thy Children 5:12: As you jump off thee highest cliffs – with thy legs together for my sake! – trust I will not catch thee, but let you plunge into thy cleansing waters.
Revelations: 9:99: Cast out from thy floating temple those demon Upchargers who have made thy ship a den of thieves!
Psalms 7:69: In Adam’s image, thy men shall be blessed with a “Stretch Limo”, “Dump Truck – heavy and strong”, “ Cooper Mini” or a “VW Beatle with two flat tires”. So it is written, so it shall be done.
Book of Roy 3:16: Thou shall not summon a great multitude of jumping and flying fishes, when thy little one is peacefully paddle boarding
Lamentations 6:12: When the multitudes go hungry and thirsty, fear not; bread will be turned into Dinty Moore; wine will be turned to water.
Proverbs 9:21: Thou cannot bowl in a straight line upon a ship in a rolling sea.
Psalms 2:16: Let thy sons roam freely around thy vessel, by night and day, to become strangers to thy parents, in a vain quest to re-populate the earth
Proverbs 1:89: Walk tall and carry a ridiculously large selfie stick.
Lamentations 400:600 lbs: Onto the Ark we walked, four ritually clean and healthy families; but unbeknownst to us, so too did lumber aboard many pairs of large Human Hippos, Pachyderm People, and several species of upright Walking Whales.
Book of Michael 9:99: Praise be to thee singer, who owned thy blessed Karaoke stage; he hath triumphed gloriously.
Book of the Wives 7:14: Blessed are those who still look great on the dance floor; dance and the world dances with you… as does George.
Lamentations 3:19: Thou shall never again sail the seven seas with the Norwegians
